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Hanni's Journal
20 most recent entries

Date:2006-10-22 01:55
Subject:Konfusion with a "K"
Security:Public
Mood: contemplative

I find it hard to believe how much trouble this livehjournal may have brought me. How could I have known things I wrote two years ago or more would come to effect my reality today? What I can best describe as an exercise in creative writing has become my persona. This lj is not who I am. It was an effort to appease a few people. Mostly one person. Sometimes saying what one person wants to hear when they are the only one to read it seems like a good idea. And what was once a means to vent has become a chain. I guess a public journal can be viewed by the public. I remember why I stopped updating this. I never thought it would bring me more trouble, Or tilt another person's view of me. I'm not the same person who wrote these updates. Even that person that wrote these updates didn't mean them when he wrote them. Is anyone ever the person they were two years ago? I've had so many great and terrible life changing events since then. So many events.

Tina, I know you've been here. Lizzy told me. I'm not sure if you will bother to check here again. This may be for only me. A means of venting once again. Perhaps this lj still serves a purpose. Im not a psycho........... I believe I referred to myself as a sociopath, which is different, "people. don't cry over psychos." Why would you cry over me? I can't quite remember everything I've wrote in here and I don't really want to bother to read everything I have wrote. Apparently you've done that for me. I guess I was foolish to use "HannibalO" as my login name and not think it could come back to me eventually. Why wont you see me in person? Whats the worse that could happen? Im saddened to think you mite not read this. Then again, maybe it is for the best. I just wanted an explanation and some empathy.

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Date:2005-06-20 01:45
Subject:FUCK EVERYTHING AND RUN
Security:Public
Mood: chipper

Great news, I'm going to find a new job soon. I'm stoked, but unsure what the hell it'll be. I'm just not an insurance salesman. I hope you never pictured me that way. The lure of money can make a lot of people think they are something they are not. And for a moment, I thought I could be an insurance salesman. Not that I could be one for a lifetime, but I thought good enough for the time being. But the money was an illusion, just like a lot of things. Which reminds me of something funny that occured. My sales manager, Greg, who was training me to become said insurance salesman, once asked me if I knew what "fear" stood for...... And I paused for a second, because I do know what "fear" stands for, but I thought there is no way he would be asking me that. But I answered him, because everyone knows what "fear" stands for: "fear" F.E.A.R. Fuck Everything And Run. He seemed somewhat amused but apparently that wasn't the lesson he was trying to impart on me. He smiled and said to me, "I don't know about that. You see fear is an illusion, 'fear' stands for False Evidence Appearing Real." Hmmmm, who'd have thunk it? So next time you're in a professional setting and someone asks you if you know what "fear" stands for, smile at them and say, "Yes, Yes I do. 'Fear' stands for Fuck Everything And Run." Because some people are full of shit and don't know what the fuck they're talking about. Life is a scary place, and we all have fears. Like Fear of Being Alone, Fear of Big Decisions, Fear of Commitment, Fear of Bears, Fear of Heights, Fear of being Buried Alive (that would suck so bad), Fear of Loss, Fear of Punishment, Fear of Clowns (relax, it's just a clown), Fear of the Dark, Fear of Rejection, Fear of Letting Go, Fear of Authority, Fear of Independence, Fear of Snakes, Fear of a Black Planet (fight the power!), Fear of Midgets (what about midget clowns? oooh spooky, somebody hold me), Fear of Lightning, Fear of Love. Whatever the case may be those are real fears. There's nothing false about them, they don't just appear real, they are real! And sometimes you need to FUCK EVERYTHING AND RUN. But sometimes you need to confront them, because midgets and clowns are put on this Earth for our amusement; don't let anyone tell you differently, and if you see a midget pick him up and spin him around. Don't worry if he screams, he likes it, really. But if you see a bear, play dead. And don't let your fears from the past ruin your happiness for the future. Regret and remorse are two things to definitely be afraid of, and yet are two things that can be avoided the easiest. I love U, more than you know, more than is required, and more than I should.

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Date:2004-11-25 12:55
Subject:Turkey Day
Security:Public
Mood: grateful

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!!

It's hard to believe it's already Thanksgiving, where has my time gone? Oh yeah, I've been wasting it away with foolish pursuits and unfufilled promises. The important thing is that I learn and move on. Start to enjoy the things that can enjoy me back. That could rule out Amanda, not that I want to, but if she doesn't have time to enjoy me, perhaps it's best that I find someone who can. I'm not saying I am going to stop all efforts with her, because by all means, with as busy as her life is, I can't expect her to make time for me just yet.  It just means that I mite have to pursue other possibilities until she has time. And that could mean Ashley. Ashley is a girl I met this summer, who got a little too infatuated with me, and I had to distance myself from her. But I think it mite be time to give her another try. It would just be nice to have someone I knew wasn't thinking of someone else.

But let's go back to Amanda for a second, since she's the one, who is number one on my list. She's done this thing lately, which is small but has to mean something. She's been sniffing me :o) Saying how good I smell. It's not like she sniffs me continuously, just once a nite, or maybe more, but only saying how good I smell once a nite the past three nites we've worked together.

She also showed a little jealousy last nite, which is always endearing. I was at work trying to figure out what I wanted to do last nite, and I had made a couple of phone calls. I was sitting at a table in the bar, where Amanda was still working, with Danielle, my zone partner for the evening, after we had clocked out and Danielle was eating. Anyways, Danielle and I were just chatting and Stacy called me back since she was one of the people I had called earlier. Stacy had just got off the phone with Elvis, and thought that I was the one who put Elvis up to calling her, and she was telling me she had just got off the phone with someone who she had "slept with" in the past, and by slept with she meant just slept in the same room with. And it turns out I had "slept with" her that nite as well, because that nite we had all slept over in Elvis' and Costa's room and watched 12 Monkeys real late. So Stacy and I are having this conversation and Danielle is only hearing that Stacy slept with Elvis and I the same nite, not that she had mearly slept over. So I have to pause and explain to Danielle that that was the case, and as I am doing this Amanda is walking by our booth and I grab her with my left arm and hug her and ask her if everything is ok, because she had had a slite outburst earlier. And she hugged me back and said everything was fine, which I am pretty sure wasn't the whole truth, but she kind of rubbed my back and held onto me, made me feel welcomed, all the while I am still on the phone with Stacy.

So I get back to Stacy and she says, "Who is that, your sixteen year old???" A reference to Katie, who is eighteen. And I said, "No, Danielle how old are you?" "22" "Amanda, how old are you?" "21" "See, they're both old enough." Stacy's reply, "Are you sure one of them isn't your sixteen year old?" "YES" Then Amanda asks me who I am on the phone with, and I explain that it's my friend Stacy and I need her to help me decide what to do tonite. That she was my moral compass or something. And Danielle asks are you going to do something with her. And I said, "No, she's in Ft. Lauderdale" Danielle then asks something like, "How do you know her?" And I say, "I know her from college." And then I pause and say, "She's my girlfriend." That's an inside joke Stacy and I have, that whenever both of us are single we can call each other boyfriend/girlfriend just to say we have somebody. Anyway, this is where jealousy shows her lovely face. Amanda says, "Your girlfirend? What about what happened between us and going to the movie???? What is that all about?" Now granted, Amanda simply could have been trying to get me in trouble with someone she thought was my girlfriend, but it seemed like she was somewhat genuinely upset and jealous, which makes me feel great. Then Amanda goes back to work and I have to finish up my conversation with Stacy and I never really got to talk to Amanda again for the rest of the nite, which really burns my britches!!!!

Anywho, here's hoping Amanda finally has an evening open to spend with me sometime soon.  Until that happens, I think I am going to give Ashley a call to see if she wants to do something, or maybe someone else will come along to occupy my time. I don't know.

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Date:2004-11-24 13:46
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: chipper

Well, I didn't get to go to the movies with Amanda last nite, which is perfectly ok. I'm disappointed, but at this point I still understand. She was probably just tied up with work, and I can't blame her for that. I told her I am going to bug her with a phone call every nite I have off until she finally goes to the movies with me; so, even if she is just blowing me off, which I hope isn't the case, she's going to eventually give in. I think.

Instead last nite I went out with Guy to Legends and Gene's Lounge. It was cool. We just hung out, shot some pool, drank some beer, and bullshitted about women. A good time and I was home by 11:30pm. The only thing that sucked was I forgot it was Tuesday nite, so I misssed Scrubs on NBC, which is my favorite tv show. FUCK!

Anyhow, work tonite, I'm pretty sure Amanda works tonite, so I do have something to look forward to. Hopefully, I'll make a lot of green as well.

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Date:2004-11-23 17:24
Subject:Total Destruction
Security:Public
Mood: happy

OK, so I think I am going to listen to all the signs and suggestions and end things with Kate. I mean judging by her last journal entry:

      "Because of my new realization.....I'm swearing off guys until I know what's happening between Garreth and I. Meaning..I'm not going to have a guy in my life romantically, until I know for sure that it's over! I'm just hoping it won't ever be over!"

It doesn't sound like she would be continuing much with me anyhow, but there is no way I'm going to give her the satisfaction of ending it with me. Now, many of my female friends, who do not know Katie personally, would like to see me destroy the girl. And while that sounds like a lot of fun, accomplishing said goal may be hard to attain. I mean, it's not like a I can just flip a switch and bang, she's roadkill. Coming up with a plan to break her wont be easy is all, and I don't have all the time in the world. Plus, I don't want to come away looking like the bad guy. And let us not forget she is mentally imbalanced, so I don't want to end up in the hospital myself.

Anyways, I've kind of enjoyed not having to worry about it since I came to this decision, which was about a week ago, more or less when I made my last journal entry, and it's really let me concentrate my thoughts on other things. And one of those things is Amanda. I mite actually get to go to the movie, that she and I were supposed to go to see two fridays ago, tonite, which would just rock my socks. And to top it off, she decided to end things with her "male friend"  this past Sunday, which just helped me realize my decision about Katie was the rite one as well. I mean, the worst thing that could happen with Amanda rite now, is we could become good friends, which wouldn't be a bad thing. Of course, I hope there is more possibility there; otherwise, I shoplifted the pooty, which is a  NO-NO I just have to call her here soon and see if she is up for it.

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Date:2004-11-14 23:19
Subject:Friday Nite
Security:Public
Mood: contemplative

OK, since all my adoring fans are begging for an update as to what went down friday nite I better give them what they want. How about JACK and SHIT Well technically, not jack shit, but not what I wanted. I called Amanda around 6pm to make arrangements for the movies and got her answering machine, which was fine because she told me she had to work her other job and didn't leave until the sun went down. So, it hadn't been dark too long, so I figured she would be home soon, so I left a message and my number, and told her to call me when she got in. By 8:15pm I figured I mite as well give up on hopes we would be able to manage to go to the movies and I would still make it to Swing, so I went to Swing. I understand that Amanda has two little kids and probably a buttload of other things on her mind, so missing a movie with me didn't seem like a big deal in my opinion. I kind of hung around in the shadows for awhile once I got to Swing since I wasn't supposed to be there until 10pm and around 9:45pm Katie managed to find me. Anyhow, she was miserably sick, so she and I didn't dance too much and I just sat with her and kept her company. She kept giving me sweet little kisses on my hands and shoulders and arms and head, which really made me feel shitty having wanted to spend time with Amanda, but the funny thing was I kind of still would have preferred to been with Amanda. Ummm, weird. That made me feel really small. I even kept my cellphone in my pocket all nite in case Amanda called. (Jeez, you ass, where's your God Damn Compassion???? Give me a second, I can defend this, and anyhow, I still stayed with Katie all nite in spite of this and I gave her my sweater to keep warm and even let her take it home with her. I was attentive, caring, and sweet, and it wasn't like I kept my mind on Amanda the whole nite.) I walked Katie out to her car and we "warmed it up" while the rest of her friends finished dancing. It was only a small make out session that virtually assured I will probably come down with the same exact thing that is ailing Kate.

When I woke up the next day I felt like shit, actually I had a headache, so I thought I mite have had a small hangover from going out after Swing, but I didn't have much to drink so I didn't think it could be a hangover. And I started to get a terrible stomach ache and fever the longer I was awake so I figured I must have just been getting Kate's illness (Luckily, I am already feeling almost totally better). Unfortunately, I had to work, so I took a hot bath which made me feel better, but I seriously considered calling out of work. I went to work anyways, which was good because I ended up making some nice money that nite because we were really busy when I got there. Also, when I was there, Amanda let me know that she ended up working until well after midnite on Friday, which was funny cause she was only supposed to work until sundown, but turns out she bought some halogen lights that let her work later. I guess she deserved to be tired, since she didn't have to buy the lamps. So, she didn't exactly apologize to me, because she didn't even mention missing the movie, but I think that was kind of her way of apologizing about it. Anyhow, I wish I knew if the movie was meant to be as a date or just as friends, because then I would know if we could do it some other nite. She did give me a slite hint later on in the nite when she was eating. A couple came into the bar area and the guy pulled out the chair for his girl. Amanda said, "Aww, that was sweet." And I asked her, "What was?" She said, "That guy pulled the chair out for his date." I said, "That seems like something that is normal and should be done anyways." And then she said, and this is the hint, "The guys that I date don't do that sort of thing." And like an idiot, instead of saying what was on my mind and actually having a pair, I just said, "It seems normal to me." I should have said, "Maybe, you should date other people," or "I would do that sort of thing for you if we went out," or "You should give a guy like me a shot." or anything else that mite have shed a bit more lite on our situation. You see, I think the problem is, both of us are interested in each other, but we're not sure if the other person is interested in the other. I'm not sure if she likes me that way, and she's not sure if I like her that way. Anyways, We both have Thursday off, so I am going to see if she wants to go to the movie then. We'll go from there. Look for it in an upcoming entry.

Back to Katie now, I have to defend myself. I felt shitty, all day Saturday, both physically from being sick and mentally for thinking about Amanda over Katie. I mean, she even wrote something in her LJ about Friday nite:

"Oh yeah, mom got me sick! My mom got me sick with this nasty stomach thingie. I think I am over it now though.  I'm feeling much better today that I was yesturday. My stomach doesn't hurt as bad and I'm actually able to stomach liquids, hopefully I'll be able to get some food into my stomach today and I'll feel even better. But since I was sick, Aaron did the sweetest thing for me last night. He sat out nearly the entire night at swing to sit with me since I didn't feel all to good. I thought that was about the peachiest thing anyone could do. He's so great and wonderful. BUT my mom still has an issue with the age thing, so yeah!

Aaron even let barrow his Aeropostal sweater so that I wouldn't be cold and would have a pillow on the drive home since I wasn't feeling good. He does ranom things like that and it's really sweet. I'm just not going to let myself get to engulfed by all of this, because if I do....I'll get hurt and that's not going to happen. I don't care if I'm being selfish, but I'm not going to let myself get hurt again. I'm just not going to let it happen. Besides I don't think that Aaron wants anything more serious than things are right now, and they aren't SERIOUS  at all! We're just friends who date occasionally. We're nothing serious or definate. So it's all good!"

OK, she restated the not serious thing, which really gets me everytime. She acts as if I would rather not have anything serious, which is not true. But I can look past that since she just doesn't want to get hurt. So that made me feel even worse about things, but it somewhat relieved some worry about Amanda because as Katie said, things aren't serious. But now lets look what she wrote in her LJ today:

"So Garreth gave me his journal address on the web. I read every entry his posted! It is breaking my heart. I'm so in love with him, and I know I'm never going to get him back. I can't do this shit anymore. I just want the love of my life back. I don't want anyone else. I don't reallysee much point to why I'm dating Aaron, when I know I can't truely ever fall in love with him. I just want Garreth back! I will fight whoever it take....I'll do whatever it take.

I write nearly all of my music about him and how he effects me. I just want him here in my arms once more. I really just want my love back. I want to feel whole again and I want him to be the one who makes me feel that way. I can't help but listen to sad heartbreaking music now. I can't do anything. I jsut feel soo dead and unwanted right now. I'm just so destroyed lately. I want him more than anything or anyone. I want to confess my biggest secret to Garreth, but I'm not sure if he wants to hear it."

What the fuck? You feel unwanted and dead? You don't see much point in dating me????? "Aaron did the sweetest thing for me last night. He sat out nearly the entire night at swing to sit with me since I didn't feel all to good. I thought that was about the peachiest thing anyone could do. He's so great and wonderful." Unwanted huh? No point in dating me huh? I guess I'm not so damn great and wonderful. That's rite, don't let yourself get engulfed by all this; you're still going to end up hurt. You think I'm a really sweet guy? Just wait until I turn into a really big asshole (In case you are wondering who Garreth is, Garreth is Kate's ex-boyfriend. They broke up like a long time ago, but apparently she cant' let go. And I knew some of this because she had posted about how she couldn't give up on him back in September and how he was the only one for her. And back then I thought about breaking her for dicking me around. Then in October she stopped posting about him and she would tell me about him and how all she wanted was to get all her things back from him and put him out of her life. So, I thought she had moved past him. So when she would wright that she didn't want to get serious with me because she didn't want to get hurt again. I could live with that because I thought she was simply afraid of things going badly. But she was just lieing to me and to everyone else, including herself. The reason she doesn't want to get serious with me, is because she's still in love with Garreth. Now, I'm all for love. It's a beautiful thing. I had hope that I could even find it with Kate. But don't lie to me and your friends about your intentions with me, and don't act like you deserve me, and don't act like you need me in your life, and don't make me care about you. Suddenly, I don't look so bad for rather wanting to be with Amanda Friday nite instead of Kate. I kind of feel like a douchebag for believing Kate about everything else.

Now, I know Kate is imbalanced and this could well be a mood swing due to her illness or just a defense mechanism to perhaps keep herself from actually falling for me, but I've read this shit before two months ago and it fucking bothers the hell out of me that it came back. I'm just not sure if I want to destroy the girl or not. I guess, I'll just wait to see her next entry and go from there.

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Date:2004-11-11 11:19
Subject:Decisions Decisions
Security:Public
Mood: confused

Ok, I have a bit of a dilema. Let me lay this down for you. You see, this coming weekend is Homecoming at UF, and I would love to go, but thats another story. What is important regarding that is that Katie was supposed to go to Gainesville this weekend, which meant I was going to have the weekend free and open, so I  made plans.

There's this girl, Amanda, from work, and she and I kind of had an encounter a couple of weeks ago when things with Katie and I were shakey. Anyways, since Kate was going to be gone I asked Amanda to come to the movies with me on Friday. Actually, I asked her to go to the movies with me on Monday because Eric asked me to go to the movies with him and I didn't want to have to go to the movie with him alone (I'm pretty sure he has a crush on me) but Amanda couldn't go because she had to work. I offered to go on Friday, since she and I have Fridays off, and she said she would. I half-thought she was simply agreeing to go to shut me up and she was hoping I would forget to bring it back up later, but yesterday, she actually brings it back up and I got her phone number so now we're going to the movies Friday nite (YAY!) I'm not sure if this is a date as friends or as more, but I'm actually stoked about it. She seems likes a really great girl and I really want to get to know her better. I know what you're thinking, what about Katie? How can you go behind her back and see this other girl? You really are one of those asshole men. BUT, but but but but but but BUT Katie is the one who has been insistant that our relationship doesn't get serious or exclusive, and I am getting kind of tired of waiting for her to come around and say she wants to be serious. Maybe, it's time for me to actually take action to see if I want to be serious with her. I know I used to want that, I'm just not sure about it anymore.

Back to my Dilema, Yesterday, after I had confirmed the movie with Amanda, when I got home from work, I called Katie and she says she cant talk because she is on the phone with Ben (her friend who was going to Gainesville with her) and she probably wont be going to Gainesville this weekend. Anyways, I called her back in 20 minutes, like she had asked, and tells me she wont be going to Gainesville and she'll be going to Swing as usual on Friday nite and of course she expects me to be there. And shes upset because she wont be going to Gainesville, so I can't tell her I wont be going to Swing or that instead I would be going to see a movie with Amanda. Not that I would have told her even if she would still be going to Gainesville. So, now I am faced with a decision as to what I should. I don't think honesty is the way to go, because eventhough she says we aren't serious or exclusive, I know she would be hurt and upset if I were to just tell her I'm going out with someone else on Friday. I can't just call up Amanda and tell her I can't go to the movie. I don't want to pass up this opportunity. I know I can't just carry out my Friday like I had planned prior to learning Kate wasn't going to Gainesville and skip out on Swing. SO, I think that I am going to have to try and accomplish both and go to the movies and to Swing, which will be no easy task. I am thinking, if I can get to the movie with Amanda sometime around 7pm; hopefully, wrap everything up with her by 10pm, that would give me plenty of time to go to swing  and appease Katie. I had this overlying dread that somethign like this would happen. My only fear is that Amanda and I wont be able to make the early movie, that would just complicate things. I'm just curious why these kind of things always seem to present themselves to me. I just wish I had the option to spend the entire evening with Amanda if possible.

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Date:2004-10-23 14:59
Subject:
Security:Public

So I guess I owe everyone an update, but I need to get ready and leave for work, so you'll just have to wait. All I will say is things went well last nite.

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Date:2004-10-22 20:00
Subject:
Security:Public

Time to destroy some lives other than my own

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Date:2004-10-20 14:14
Subject:Blah, Work
Security:Public

I got to go get ready for work tonite. I hope I make at least seventy-five bucks tonite, otherwise it wont be worth it.

Warning: Tampering with seal insures 4-10 days of menstrual misery for yourself and those around you.
I put that on Tara's Period Relief Kit, she liked it.

I hope I get off work early enough to talk to Kate tonite. I wanna be able to talk to her now that I have had a full day to think about everything. I also want to know about what else her parents have said.

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Date:2004-10-20 00:10
Subject:So I'm a Sociopathe???? The fuck if I care
Security:Public
Mood: morose

God, I just deleted my whole fucking update, like all those jackasses I laugh at when I read them say the same thing. Who's the jackass now, jackass? Let me see if I can remember what I said or even make it better:

I know it's been awhile since I posted a real update and I know it's been even longer since I gave an update on Katie. Yeah Katie. Ummm, Katie turned me down when I asked her to go steady with me (something I forgot to actually admit to when it occured (I then went and made out with Juliett the same nite something I am not entirely proud of or exactly sure why I did)), Katie had all but given up on me by mid September, Katie and I have made a remarkable comeback in October, Katie has strong feelings for me now, Katie wants something serious with me now, Katie's parents have a problem with me being 25 and her being 18..... What? Wait...... wasn't that something that should have come up BEFORE those other things happened? Didn't you and her discuss the age difference with each other before deciding to give this a shot? Didnt' she say it wasn'ta problem?

Apparently, it wasn't a problem for her but it IS a problem for her parents. I feel betrayed. I feel like she lied to me. She can't expect me to forget the past three months and just take a mulligan on all this and start over as friends. I can't forget how I feel about her. I can't just turn all this off. I can't go back to just being friends without an actual resolution in regards to our feelings for each other. And I know she doesn't want to just give up on us either, but she told me if she had to make a choice between me or her parents she would choose her parents. Tonite she got in a big fite with her mom and I know "we" were one of the things they fought about. I want her to fite for me, but I don't want to cause her pain or conflict with her parents (my God I smell her on me). Despite some of the things she has done in the past I really care about her and she is starting to truely care about me. It's just that...... Today before she told me of her parents disapproval, we went and saw The Forgotten ( an entirely weird movie but worht seeing) and the whole time she was stand-offish. And if she can be that way after her parents simply expressing their disapproval about our age difference, then what chance do I have if they actually tell her not to see me? I understand their reservations about her seeign a guy who is seven years older than her, but I think they should give me a chance and actually try and get to know me before forbidding her from seeing me. It's not like we're eloping to get married, we're just seeing each other.

And I know we were never really "official" or "serious" or "exclusive" or "going steady" or "together" so I shouldn't be too hung up on the idea of going back to being friends, but I know that's not what we both want. I'm sure we were so close to actually getting to the point of being serious. I'm not asking for her hand in marriage, all I'm asking for is a chance to see how good we could be, together. I really like the idea of "us." Is seven years really too many? I know if we were older say 35 and 42 then no one would think anything of it, but because we are both so young it must be wrong.  And if it is going to be a mistake then shouldn't we be given the opportunity to make that mistake? She's 18, old enough to make her own mistakes, her own decisions. Fuck, we're both going to be making them for the rest of our lives not just while we're young. I hope thats what her parents ultimately choose. I don't care if they approve of it at first, just give us a chance to prove them wrong or rite is all I want.

In other news Daniel may be moving on Thursday, which sucks. I hope he gets to stay in Pensacola for now. I understand when you are in the military you have to move every so often (did I mention he joined the Navy and was stationed here in Pensacola?). I grew up moving around because of the military. But he's still in school and the school he needs to attend is offered here so I hope he gets to go to that one. His fiance' Laura (did I mention he was getting married) just rented a house in our neighborhood and got a job here in Pensacola after moving up from Melbourne. It would be a shame for her to have to up and go again. I didn't plan on him being here for mroe than a year, I didnt plan on myself being here for entirely that long. I am going back to UF this summer to finish my degree afterall. I just don't want him to leave so soon. I didn't even get to introduce him to most of my friends.

And today, since I was in Fort Walton to see Katie, I finally got to give Tara her birthday gifts. Tara is like Kate's best friend and also her ex-girlfriend (yeah, Kate is bi but also a virgin technically) and she has always been in my corner even when Kate was having her doubts. Her birthday was September 23rd, YIKES! So I gave her her gifts and she loved them all. I am so happy she liked them all. I also gave Kate Van Helsing today, it came out today and she really loved the movie. BTW, Why do women get upset when you give them gifts for no reason, but then get upset later on when you stop getting them gifts for no reason???

Anyhow, what else? Ummmm, work sucks, I need a new job. I want to move out of my parent's house. I don't want to take over payments entirely for their truck. I want to get into better shape. I want new clothes. Does anyone have suggestions on a halloween outfit? What does everyone want for Christmas?

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Date:2004-10-06 21:06
Subject:
Security:Public

*stolen from... everyone*

i *never* post quizzes, surveys, or any of that crap.
so DO IT!!!I SEE YOU ONLINE RIGHT NOW!! :P


You are really _____. You should _____. We need to go _____. After that we can _____. Remember that time we _____? That was real _____. Maybe tomorrow we can _____. You are my _____. I _____ you!

Signed, your _____,
_____

p.s. _____.

(You know you want to fill in these blanks. And then post to your journal.)

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Date:2004-09-02 19:27
Subject:YO, Like Happy Belated Brithday Bro.
Security:Public
Mood: okay

So yesterday was my brother Daniel's birthday and I guess I slipped up and failed to mention it. Happy 26th Douche Bag! It's alrite. He has a 4 day weekend and is already chilling at my house with me. His girlfriend is coming up because of Hurricane Frances and she should be here once she battles through all the traffic. Maybe, she will get here by Sunday nite..... (the traffic is almost that bad) Anyways, I plan to chill with him as much as possible tonite and tomorrow, because I am pretty booked for the rest of the weekend with work. OH WELL. Brittany's birtthday is in a week as well, I need to figure out what toi get her still. I am thinking some sort of edible clothing(jk).

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Date:2004-08-30 22:18
Subject:That's Terrific!
Security:Public
Mood: frustrated

God, why can't my problems be the biggest ones I have to worry about? I don't think it's selfish to wish everyone else a good and happy and healthy life, but NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! Everyone else has to one-up me and make my problems pale in comparison. It's enough to make me cold and distant. When all this is over I hope I get laid, because I am going to need a release of some sort. Any volunteers?

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Date:2004-08-29 23:16
Subject:Maybe
Security:Public
Mood: confused

I want to update so I can tell what happened on Friday, but rite now I don't have the will or the energy or the answers to post an update. For now I'll just say Friday nite didn't go like I was expecting. The answer is either yes or no, but rite now all I think is maybe.

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Date:2004-08-28 13:20
Subject:"Choke" Chuck Palahniuk
Security:Public
Mood: predatory

"I mean, I'm just tired of being wrong all the time just because I'm a guy.

I mean, how many times can everybody tell you that you're the oppressive, prejudiced enemy before you give up and become the enemy. I mean, a male chauvinist pig isn't born, he's made, and more and more of them are being made by women.

After long enough, you just roll over and accept the fact that you're a sexist, bigoted, insensitive, crude, cretinist cretin. Women are right. You're wrong. You get used to the idea. You live down to expectations.

Even if the shoe doesn't fit, you'll shrink into it."

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Date:2004-08-26 11:55
Subject:Paleness
Security:Public
Mood: dorky

Kate is rite, I do need some sun. I'm going to the beach, avert your eyes!

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Date:2004-08-02 02:01
Subject:Going to Bed Happy
Security:Public
Mood: happy

It was definitely a peculiar day today. It started out with me going to work this morning to do bar. When I got there one of the soda fountains was leaking horribly and one of our computers was down, and to top it off the cooks decided to dump degreaser in the fryer just to further complicate things(I am not sure if it was done last nite or this morning, but they did not decide to even mention it to a manager until 15 minutes before we open the doors. So we couldnt do fried items at all until noon, which is horrible because all our shit is deep fried. While all this is going on two repairmen show up, one for the soda fountain and one for the computer. The soda repairman said the reason the foutain was leaking ahd somehting to do with the gun they use at the bar to make mixed drinks. So I had a repairman on the floor of the bar, blocking my way all morning and half the afternoon. But it was alrite because the day went by pretty quickly and I never got swamped with tables. I was happy to finally leave though, as I had plans for this evening. See, my friend Kate's friend Tara decided on Friday to let me know Kate had a thing for me and wanted to know how I felt about Kate. That was fine because I've always liked Katie and thought she was rather attractive, but I let Tara know while I had some interest in Kate, there were complications involved that were perhaps too numerous to get into. Anyways, Friday I asked Katie if we could hangout on Sunday nite and watch Hellboy(I had yet to see it), I figured it was a good way to get to know her a little better and talk about things. Blah, I'll finish this story tomorrow, but long story short, we watched Hellboy, chatted a bit, and we shared a wonderful kiss before I went back home. Full story tomorrow, if anyone is more interested.

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Date:2004-07-28 12:59
Subject:WALMART
Security:Public
Mood: irritated

Ok, So I went to Walmart last nite after I got off work around midnite because I needed deodorant and while I was there I decided I was going to check out what they had in the electronics department. I saw Hellboy was out on DVD and on sale and since I never saw it in the theater and I was planning on renting it anyways I figured I should just buy it. I picked up a copy and then I decided to check out what PS2 games were out and on sale, so I checked those out and they had two games that I wanted and they were on sale, so I went to ask a Walmart sales associate to kindly open the glass case so I could purchase said games. ( WOW that is one big run-on sentence, just a stream of thought) This wasn't the usual psychotic lady that works in electronics late at nite, she is at least competent. This lady looked like she was more concerned about her next smoke break then making sure she did her job properly. So I have to pay for the games in the electronics department because Walmart doesnt want someone stealing them on the way to the front registers and her is where my experience starts to become unpleasant. She rings me up and tells me I owe $97.10. I was thinking my total was going to be somewhere near $70, so I give her $100.00 and she hands me my reciept and my change and sure enough the stupid woman charged me for the same game twice. So I point this out to her and she has to go get her glasses to make sure, as if the fact that I bought 4 items and there are 5 items on the reciept wasn't enough proof for her, Grandma Moses needs to be able to actually read. Here's a hint, how about you wear your glasses and you wouldn't make mistakes like that. Then she gets her walkie talkie to call a supervisor out to tell her what she needs to do. By the way, she takes the $2.90 in change I was due and puts it back in her register. She then checks out the guy who was waiting in line behind me, and manages to do that without incident, probably because she was wearing her glasses at the time. At this point her mustached female supervisor shows up and Grandma Moses asks what she should do, to which her supervisor says she should refund my money. WHY DIDN"T I THINK OF THAT?????? SO her supervisor leaves, I guess to go get the only set of register keys they have available in the entire Walmart. Grandma Moses then proceeds to get $28.83 (the price of the game) out of the register and hands it to me; that's great, aside from the fact your forgetting the tax I paid on the game plus the $2.90 you stole back for yourself. Then the supervisor shows back up with the register keys, and tells her again to refund my money; at which point Grandma Moses tells her she just gave me $28.83. At least the supervisor knew I was due back the tax on the game, she didn't get her job as assistant nite manager for nothing! So mustache supervisor lady walks old incompetent register lady through the process of doign my refund and at that point I get $31.00 back, then I have to remind register lady that she took my $2.90 in change and I want it back too. And she looks at her supervisor and says, "Oh yeah, I put his $2.90 back in my register," as if she had done something good and wanted a cookie. Her supervisor tells her she needs to give that back to me as well. So after about 15 minutes I get to finally leave with my proper change, and they say customer service is dead. So I proceed to walk toward the exits as fast as possible before I have to be detained any longer, when what do I proceed to hear when I finally get to the front doors but the security alarm going off. Oh goody, incompetent register lady forgot to demagnetize the antitheft device. It's a good thing she did that, because I was afraid I was going to forget what a great time I was already having. So I have to wait another 5 more minutes while the door lady proceeds to scan my electronic items with a wand and write down which one was still magnetized. Overall I think I had a wonderful time. Maybe next time, they can just punch me in the face rite when I walk into the door, so anything that happens after that wont seem so bad.

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Date:2004-05-10 12:04
Subject:Kissy Kissy
Security:Public
Mood: mischievous

mysterious
You have a mysterious kiss. Your partner never
knows what you're going to come up with next;
this creates great excitement and arousal never
knowing what to expect. And it's sure to end
in a kiss as great as your mystery.


What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

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